I often rant about commercials, and how most of them suck. Much like other elements of pop culture, there is something about commercials in every decade that just are out of hand to the point of lunacy. Example? Sure! How about in the 1980’s, when 1-900 numbers became the rage? You had 1-900 numbers for more than just the time and weather and sex anymore, now you had 1-900-NKOTB and 1-900-WWF-SLAM and 1-900-COMEDY and literally every other thing you could think of. But of course, you were gonna pay! $1.99 for the first minute and 99 cents for each additional minute, or something like that. If you watched commercials, every other ad was for 1-900-SOMETHINGOROTHER, and it was ridiculous!
Fortunately, times changed, and these ads disappeared.
Until the 1990’s, when suddenly the ads were all 1-800 ads, and for psychics. Dionne Warwick started it all with her Psychic Friends Network. Comedian George Wallace hit it on the head when he was complaining about all the commercials, and he said if this thing really works, why doesn’t Dionne call the number to find out when she’s gonna have another hit? Be that as it may, this turned into tons of copycats, with psychic hotlines and dating hotlines popping up everywhere. Every other ad, especially on late-night TV, was one of these. But wait, wasn’t this 1-800, so it’s toll-free? NOT TO BE! You see, in most of these cases, you’d call the number, and someone would CALL YOU BACK and charge your credit card a ridiculous amount to tell you your future or whatever. Miss Cleo was the big star of this whole period. Then of course, it was revealed she was a phony, accent and all, and that was the end of that.
Fortunately, times changes, and these ads disappeared.
So where are we today?
No matter the hour...no matter the channel...no matter what program you’re watching and the target audience would be...
If you have a problem...we have a pill for that.
I mean, seriously. The 1-900 ads and the Miss Cleos were never all over television like all these fucking medications are. And I swear to you, they are making half of these "diseases" and "ailments" and "initials for things that are wrong with you" up.
Do you go to the bathroom too often? We have a pill for that!
Do you have trouble in social settings? We have a pill for that!
Do you need to sleep better at night? We have a pill for that!
You know, most of the things they’re shilling drugs for, last I checked, they had stuff in the drugstore that is already known to be safe and will work. But no, instead, go to your doctor, get a prescription for one of OUR pills with a funny name, and take THESE instead. Oh, but wait, common side effects are runny nose, sneezing, nausea...
That’s the funniest part. These pills always have about 10-15 seconds of read-aloud warnings and potential side effects, and some of them are fucking classic. I don’t know about you, but hearing the words "sexual side effects" or "in rare cases, fatal" are automatically making me cross the pills off my Maybe list.
Now we’ve already seen examples of how phony these ads are, sometimes very obviously. I love when people dressed up as doctors or whatever have this very casual conversation amongst one another where it sounds like they’re talking about the pills, but in doing so they’re actually talking to US about them. "You know, pregnant mothers shouldn’t take this medication." "Naturally, no one should take any medication without first consulting their physician." Fucking bullshit like that, I swear, I want to forget I ever learned what a television was half the time.
One pill, Plavix, had Dr. Robert Jarvik, inventor of the Jarvik artificial heart, talking about the pill. So far that’s all true. But apparently the ad and what he said made things sound like he was a true doctor and was saying these things as a doctor. Well, he wasn’t a doctor, and he wasn’t saying these things as a doctor. But that’s what the intent was, to make us THINK he was, and he was. So those ads were pulled a couple weeks ago when some people with sanity finally called Plavix on the carpet for the misleading ads.
So just remember, even though he’s not a doctor, but he plays one on TV, if you have concerns about your heart not being healthy enough, don’t fret! We have a pill for that!
Want to take a quiz? Good, here comes one. Here are ten sets of initials.
A.D.
B.B.W.
R.A.
C.O.P.D.
N.Y.P.D.
E.I.E.I.O.
F.U.C.K.
J.R.R.
A.S.P.C.A.
W.W.W.
OK, how many of the ten above sets of initials are, according to these lovely commercials, something that "doctors call..." what you have wrong with you so you need to take their pills?
Honestly, no one fucking ever called anything R.A. or C.O.P.D. or S.T.F.U. until some group of idiots got into a boardroom and wrote the commercial.
For the record, at least two of those ten sets are from commercials, and at least one is the name of a Van Halen CD. To tell you the truth, though, there are so many of these horseshit commercials claiming that something exists anymore that you need a pill for, it’s very likely that at least nine of those sets above stand for something now. "Doctor, I have a strange rash on my leg." "Well, that’s what we commonly refer to as ’E.I.E.I.O.’, so maybe it’s time I told you about..."
Now, two of my favorites are these. One I don’t even see anymore, and I only saw this one a few times before it amazingly seemed to vanish from the earth (probably because it was such ridiculous bullshit that even the drug company didn’t believe it when they heard their own spiel). This was two women chatting away and talking about PMS. However, she didn’t have pre-menstrual stress. No, she had something altogether different, and I can’t even remember what it was called but it ALSO had the PMS initials, and it seemed to be some OTHER malady that occurred in association with the female monthly punctuation cycle. (I don’t like to use the other term, so I call it "punctuation", which is sorta synonymically correct.) Fortunately, we have a pill for that! And on and on that one went...wow...this was nuts. I almost wish it was still on the air.
But the second one is even better. My favorite, and yours:
Yes, the dreaded Restless Legs Syndrome, or (commonly referred to as!) RLS. I haven’t seen a "medical" term this made-fun-of since the heyday of Mrs. Fletcher having fallen and she can’t get up. (If only she had Restless Legs Syndrome, she could’ve boogied right back onto her feet!) I mean, RLS must be serious because Brian Williams is even talking about it. Although is it just me, or does it look like he wants to crack up laughing in that photo up there and yell into everyone’s living room, "Do you really BELIEVE this shit?!" Ah well. The point is...if your legs are moving around or whatever and you CAN’T CONTROL THEM...
...wait for it...
...yes, sing along with Coyote...
WE HAVE A PILL FOR THAT!
Thank goodness! I thought I would be standing in line with ants in my pants and a quiver in my liver with no hope other than Kathy Bates and a sledgehammer to stop me from this bugger of a problem! Oh, but wait, there are the common and not-so-common side effects, which actually and honestly and truthfully and next time you see an ad for this you can hear it for yourself, somehow beyond any possible scientific explanation I’ll ever be able to give in four thousand lifetimes, include a possible INCREASED URGE TO GAMBLE.
?!?!?!!??!!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!
Now, of course, that’s on top of the other possible side effects...and don’t forget to talk to a doctor...and while we’re at it, don’t mix it with anything you’re taking from the fifteen ads you saw previously...plus, you might die.
But don’t worry, because even if you die, we have a pill for that.
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