*pats stomach* Yes, Virginia, I ate cornbread stuffing earlier.
So as my dozens of devoted blog fans already know from my last blog, I'm a big lover of Thankxgiving. Family, friends, tons of food and the Macy's Parade. Yes, I admit it, I love the parade. I get up completely unnecessarily on a morning where I can sleep until noon o'clock to sit down for three hours and watch the hosts of "Today" yammer it up while gigantic latex likenesses of Pikachu and Kermit the Frog fly by.
About 10 minutes into this year's parade, I realized something. Not only is it cool and entertaining on the serious level, but there is sure a ton of stuff I can make fun of too. Between the parade itself and some of the commercials that air once or twice or seven times (I counted, more on that later), there is plenty of blog bait.
So let's get it started!
* The first hour of the show on NBC is usually full of musical performances of popular Broadway shows since the parade hasn't marched its way to the main stage area yet (i.e., right in front of Macy's in Times Square). This year we had the likes of "Legally Blonde", "Young Frankenstein" and "Mary Poppins". As you may or may not know, there is a strike going on right now that has shut down many of the Broadway shows. The stage hands are battling with the theater owners, and because someone thought unions were a great idea everyone gets screwed. The Writers Guild of America strike is another example (more on that later too!). But nonetheless, these performances went on and the hosts of the show (Matt "Katie Couric Was More Affectionate Than My New Parade Co-host" Lauer, Meredith "Don't Try That 'Merry Christmas' Smooch With Me, Pal" Vieira and Al "I Used To Be A Parade Float" Roker) sent best wishes and thoughts to everyone affected by the Broadway strike. After seeing this year's performances though, I came to this conclusion: People are better off avoiding Broadway. These were all stinkers, especially the God-awful performance of "Supercalifragilisticexpealladocius" from the new Disney show on Broadway. And after typing that song title my spell check just went on strike too, but oh well. The performance sounded totally phony and too showy, not at all natural like when Julie Andrews did it.
* I saw a commercial for something called Tooth Tunes. This is an electric toothbrush that actually PLAYS MUSIC when you use it. I don't mean generic toy music, I mean like this thing has an MP3 player in it. Let me say that again. THE TOOTHBRUSH HAS AN MP3 PLAYER IN IT. Remember when the hardest thing about choosing a toothbrush was deciding "Soft or Medium?" Now you need to decide what you feel like bopping around too while you brush in the morning, while at the same time trying not to jab holes into the insides of your cheeks by busting too big of a move.
* This parade was loaded with cross-promotional appearances from other NBC shows. I guess this is just par for the course anymore.
* A couple of ads I actually enjoy aired, starring Maria Sharapova and her little dog as they shilled for Kodak. What I didn't know until today was that the dog in the ad isn't actually her dog, it's a stand-in who looks a lot like her dog, but isn't quite the same color.
[NOTE: Photo too large, did not fit upon transfer of blog from MySpace to Blogspot]
This is Maria and her dog, Dolce. The dog in the ads who has that cool voice I love to mimic is named Beowulf. I don't care which dog it is, I wish I could be that dog for one day just to hang with Maria and walk back and forth between her legs all day. Heaven on Earth.
* The Sesame Street float is always part of the show, this year included. I don't think the song today was among their best though. For one thing, the line Elmo sang sounded to me like he enjoyed "taking a crap in the rain." Remember when we were kids and watched the show? Remember Bob? He's STILL THERE! He's showing his age but damn, I'm impressed. Talk about a great job for life! And he still has all that energy and really seems to love what he does. That's really cool.
* I peeked out the back door of where I'm staying this week in Tuckerton, and the trees are alllllllllllllllllll colored with fall foliage. I went outside (since it was 60+ degrees outside) and soaked it all in. Suh-weet.
* I don't know about you, but nothing says Thankxgiving to me like Mr. Potato Head, "Hairspray" and Menudo. Yes, MENUDO was on a float. But no, it wasn't the old Menudo. The float didn't have a bunch of old guys on it, someone decided we needed a WHOLE NEW Menudo, so *POOF!*, there they are in all their boy-band singing and dancing glory. Now paging 1998! Someone tell these clowns they missed this train!
* The Writer's Strike means a lot of programs are already going into reruns or vanishing until further notice. It also means the networks are rushing to get anything they can get on the air in prime time that they don't need WGA members for. And THAT means, reality TV is about to overflow once again. And guess what's coming back in January on NBC? "American Gladiators". Somehow I doubt Nitro and Zap and all of them are coming back, but considering what we already know about the show, I'm afraid to see ANYTHING else about it. You know who the host is going to be?
Yep, this guy. And wow, I really hope he wears pants. Other programming coming soon to a (likely turned off) TV near you are "Celebrity Apprentice", where 16 celebrities of various actual relevance to society will compete to win a $250,000 donation to his/her favorite charity by the Donald, and "Clash of the Choirs", which is apparently one of the few "American Idol" knockoffs that hasn't made a mockery of a specific musical genre yet. Let me know how they are, I'll be outside with my head buried in a pool of hot asphalt.
* Sarah Brightman was on a float, singing while dressed like a pirate wench. I immediately filed that one in my "Annie Lennox Dressed As Minnie Mouse At The Grammy Awards" mental file for late-night perusal.
* There was a float with Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends, which made me remember one of my dipshit ex-girlfriends. Despite that, it was an interesting sight. I have a feeling a lot of parents in the audience had no idea what Cheese's "I like chocolate milk!" yell at the end of the song meant though.
* Coolest float: a group of Cherokee singers sang "Jingle Bells" in their native tongue. It added about 378 consonants to each line but still, that was actually really interesting to see and hear. I just wouldn't want to write it out longhand.
* Seven times. That's how many times the classic Hershey's Kisses ad aired in the 3-hour time span of the parade, where the candies all ring like a bell and perform "We Wish You a Merry Christmas". Boy, nothing like driving home the point, eh? CHRISTMAS IS COMING! EAT THIS CANDY!
* Willard Scott made an appearance in the parade and I think he stole Dick Clark's Anti-Aging Formula, because the guy doesn't look any different than he did 20 years ago.
* Three new balloons made their debut in the show this year. One was the Super Cool Hello Kitty balloon. They used to have a Hello Kitty balloon but for one reason or another, it's not there anymore. I saw this year's new model and...well, I just must not be super cool because it looked very...ordinary. Beyond that, we had the Shrek balloon, which was HUGE!
The third new balloon was the newest Sesame Street muppet. She sounds like she'd be related somehow to that Amazing Mumford guy ("A La Peanut Butter Sandwiches!") but whatever the case, her name is Abbacadabra. She was the best of the new balloons, I thought. Apparently, I'm not the only one who thought so...
...although I don't think I was thinking she looked good in the lascivious fashion that the Red M&M seems to be thinking up there. Jesus Christ, what the fuck is THAT?! Was she wearing a skirt? Or does she shop for underwear where Britney Spears does? This photo needs to be seriously addressed by the Association to Stop Sexual Feelings Unto Character Kiddies. Ol' Red may be about to find himself on the same TMZ program as Dog the Bounty Hunter. Maybe for his repentance he'll appear on the Celebrity Apprentice program and try to win the money for the above organization. I can see it now...
Donald Trump: Which charity are you representing?Now THAT'S entertainment!!!
Red M&M: I'm here for the Association to Stop Sexual Feelings Unto Character Kiddies.
Donald (*raises eyebrow and thinks for a second*): THAT'S your charity?!
Red: Yes. I...erm...well, something happened to me at the last Macy's Parade and I was caught in a moment where I lost control of my addiction towards...this. I want to repay society for my sins.
Donald: So you're on here to win the money for A.S.S.F.U.C.K.?!
Red: Yes I am.
Donald: You're fired.
* In addition to the aforementioned "Mary Poppins" garbage, the two other truly cringeworthy moments were when Ashley Tisdale appeared on some float and sang a horrific rendition of Wham!'s holiday tune "Last Christmas". Whoever she is, I hope this is the last Christmas I'll have to hear of her. The second moment was a circus act of sorts, the Huesca Brothers and one chair in the middle of the street doing some foot juggling, where one brother was balancing the other and spinning him around like a ball. However, one flip that was supposed to have Guy A land on the shoes of upside-down Guy B didn't quite work, and he slipped off. He was caught by his brother, but the cameras immediately clicked onto a random shot of elsewhere in the parade. Geez, give the guy a break, NBC!
So there you go...damn, I feel like I just watched the whole fucking thing all over again. And if you happened to miss the show this year, I hope this served as a suitable replacement!
Now if you'll excuse me, I have this craving for chocolate. Then I think I'll go shopping for a toothbrush that will also shave my face at the same time...
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