Mind you, sometimes the items in and of itself aren't so bad. The advertising doesn't do it any favors. Even the everyday everykitchen items aren't safe...
Yeah...you know what? Food shouldn't look going in the same way it looks coming back out.
But this is exactly my point. There are tons of "WTF?!" items in the supermarket that we not only buy, but buy REPEATEDLY. This action tends to generally mean we actually LIKE these items. Conventional wisdom would dictate that such things should not be fit for human consumption. The "food police" worry about fat content and child obesity, but they never seem to sound the alarm when it just comes to something being outright disgusting. KFC's Double Down sandwich?
They said nothing. Burger King's Meatnormous breakfast sandwich?
Not a peep there either. Maybe they couldn't talk because they were vomiting. Or dead.
Actually, this does make me realize that fast food is one of the biggest offenders when it comes to stuff we really shouldn't even eat once a year. The funny part is when they try to make it SEEM healthy. Subway got lucky. You know Jared, the guy in all the commercials for however many years now. He actually went on a diet years ago and lost a LOT of weight. He would eat a specific hoagie each day for lunch and dinner with a diet soda, and that was it. And it worked. Subway wound up making nothing but money as a result as people discovered it was a semi-healthy alternative. You do have to avoid cheese and a bunch of other options, but still, it worked for Jared and Subway is still reaping the benefits. Well, apparently Taco Bell decided they TOO were a healthy alternative. Hence, the drive-thru diet.
You see, skipping cheese and having the "fresco" toppings makes fast food GOOD for you! This would be a great idea if a) they offered more options on diet drinks, and b) if the portions weren't so small you wouldn't have to eat half the menu to fill up.
I guess it's because I'm older now and I try not to eat as much garbage as I used to. Hell, when I was in college I could and would eat anything, no matter how processed or caloric it was. Chicken McNuggets were a staple. Whenever McDonald's would throw those fuckers on sale for $1.00, I'd go home with a bag full of so much chicken that foxes would chase my car into the driveway. Plus, working at 7-Eleven as I did while in college, not a day went by when I wasn't downing at least one hot dog or pre-packaged sandwich or pizza sandito or Truckstopper sandwich. That last one was a doozy. Seriously, who invented the Truckstopper and how did that person ever actually get paid to invent it? It's a longer roll with something that resembles salisbury steak and gravy on it. And the funny thing is, it's not even the WORST invention ever by 7-Eleven. No, that would be this:
The P'Eatzza sandwich. It was promoted on "The Apprentice" and introduced the next day. And I think it was completely gone and gladly attempted to be forgotten about 79 hours later. I don't think 7-Eleven executives and Slurpeejerks are even allowed to hint at the very existence of it. It flopped harder than a sumo wrestler into a swimming pool. And yes, it tasted vile.
So while in college, I would try a lot of things. Some I remember tasting and gladly never going back to, which amazingly are things NO LONGER AVAILABLE (which fortunately does show society isn't COMPLETELY lost), included the following:
Colored ketchup. It tasted like ketchup. But Heinz decided kids needed to eat MORE ketchup, so they turned it purple and green and blue and polka-dot and several other colors. Apparently red wasn't appetizing enough.
Hamburger Helper microwave singles. This actually seemed like a good idea. The problem was, the meat was already included amongst the powdery cheese and whatever else in the flavor envelope. When cooking this meat, it would turn out to be little pebbles of what certainly didn't look like the meat I prefer to be chewing on. These tasted awful.
Now this one I never actually tried, and for two reasons. One, I already knew it was going to taste like Cap'n Crunch. Two, when I'm waking up and eating cereal, having little penises on my spoon swimming in milk is NOT the best way to start my day.
I could go on and on forever, and I'm sure plenty of you have examples of this kind of stuff. I'll close this with two from present-day that I just can't shake, especially because in the case of this first one, I actually DO buy and eat the product. I hate to admit it, but they taste pretty good. It's just too bad the commercial creeps me the fuck out and should, in the natural order of things, make me want to retch.
Hot Pockets Sideshots. When these first debuted a couple years back, the commercials were nothing like this one. It was normal, human interaction, plugging the product and throwing a joke out about "buns". I tried them, and frankly, I like them. However, if they were to introduce this product then with THIS advertisement, there's no way I would have EVER thrown a box of these into my shopping cart. Talking Hot Pockets with their mouths wide open showing their meaty insides? One of them being picked up screaming offscreen as he is eaten to a grisly demise? Seriously?! THIS is going to make people hungry?!
*shudders*
Let's move on.
My final example within this blog entry frankly is almost so bizarre that it is actually difficult to try and explain, justify or define it. But I'll try anyway.
The Candwich. The sandwich in a can. Let's say that again slowly.
The sandwich.
IN A CAN.
I really thought society hit rock bottom with this one. However, I later learned it isn't quite what I thought. You don't open the can and slide out your ready-to-eat sandwich. It actually has the ingredients inside all individually packaged. So you open the bag and take out your bread, then open the little packets of peanut butter and jelly, and make your sandwich. So there you have it. It's not technically a sandwich in a can after all, it's a container to hold all the ingredients to make your sandwich. Because apparently, using lunchboxes and brown bags all these years was a complete and utter JOKE.
Oh, but this story gets even better. The inventor of this thing? His name is Travis Wright, from Utah. All of the money he used to develop and create and market the Candwich turned out to be bilked from investors in his firm, Waterford Funding. The SEC put a stop to this business venture VERY quickly, and just days ago he pled guilty to the $44M Ponzi scheme. We may all have heard about Brandon Madoff, but let me tell you something, Madoff has NOTHING on Travis Wright. Madoff just bought houses and went on lavish vacations with his stolen money. Wright invented a fucking SANDWICH IN A CAN with his stolen money. I think he should get a definite 'A' for effort.
Just wanted to say, I rememder the pizza sanditos! I ate one a day with a quart of milk as my one meal a day back in my late teens to around twenty one. It's amazing how little nutrition the human body can be sustained on lol. Anyways, pretty sure they quit making them at 7-11, havent seen one since the mid-90s.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say, I rememder the pizza sanditos! I ate one a day with a quart of milk as my one meal a day back in my late teens to around twenty one. It's amazing how little nutrition the human body can be sustained on lol. Anyways, pretty sure they quit making them at 7-11, havent seen one since the mid-90s.
ReplyDeleteHey Kevin, thankx for taking the time to read and comment. I'm always amazed when people actually find and read, much less comment on, my blogs, especially the older ones!
ReplyDeleteIndeed, the pizza sanditos were a staple of my diet 20 years ago during my college years. I worked at a 7-Eleven since it was literally walking distance from the college, and the manager would order a box and then sell me that box at cost so I could stash them in my dorm freezer. They are indeed long gone, but never forgotten!